


How Season Four Should've Gone

by SosaLola



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Comedy, Dialogue-Only, M/M, Pictures, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-13
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-07-14 19:32:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7187168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SosaLola/pseuds/SosaLola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander just came out of the closet, and Anya is fixing him up with the perfect guy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Episode One

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander: You've got to be kidding me!  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Him?!  
  
  
  
  
Anya: Hmmm mmm  
  
  
  
  
Anya: You two are perfect for each other.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Doubt it.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: I don't even know if he can use his weapon.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: What did you say?  
  
  
  
  
*Zips mouth*  
  
  
  
  
Spike: I can _bloody_ use my weapon. It's certified.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: I, on the other hand, am not certifiably insane enough to buy into you.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: This matchmaking ain't working for me. Just get the ponce out.  
  
  
  
  
Anya: Then I guess you'll have to get used to sleeping on the sidewalk, Spike. As a resident in the Rent a Cemetery community, my word is law.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Bollocks!  
Xander: _That's_ how you were able to afford an apartment? You're a landlord to the dead?   
Spike: Bleeding hell, this is a nightmare!  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Hey, I'm not happy with this arrangement either, pal.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Says the guy who's getting the great deal. I'm the one who's slumming it with a newbie.   
  
  
  
  
Anya: (Slaps Xander's arm) You forgot to give him the present.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: I get a present?  
Xander: (defensively) It was her idea.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Here. Apparently the color goes well with your eyes… uh, whatever.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: I'm flushed that I didn't get you anything. Not.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: You weren't arm twisted into matching something to my eyes?  
  
  
  
  
Anya: _He_ doesn't need to win you over.   
Xander: Why in the hell not?  
Anya: Well, look at him.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: But it's not fair! I should get a present!  
Spike: You can have my gun.  
Xander: Go to hell!  
  
  
  
  
Spike: So, what do you say? You need a boyfriend, I need a place to stay, let's pair up. It's mutual usage.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Hmmm  
  
  
  
  
Spike: I'm an exceptional lay.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Sure then.


	2. Episode Two

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Think I've changed my mind. My crypt was heaven compared to this dump. Mess everywhere, a blinding red chair clashing with the damp rot…  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Even the pipe is broken.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Oh. Forgot to tell you. There's a dress code.  
  
  
  
  
  
 _Later:_  
  
  
  
Spike: No way.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: I'm horny.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Shocking.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: These pasty knees get your blood pumping? You've never had sex, have you?  
  
  
  
  
Spike: You know it goes beyond kissing, you see more than a bloke's knee. There's a whole in and out thing you need to learn.   
  
  
  
  
*is patient*   
  
  
  
  
Spike: Can't teach when I feel my balls hiding in shame from this Hawaiian atrocity. New rule, I wear what I want, and you might get laid.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Nooooo.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Can't kill my meal ticket.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: Code!  
  
  
  
  
Xander: You know you'd feel a lot better once we get to the dirty stuff.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Bloody hell. These blinding colors are your pathetic kink, aren't they?  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
 _Scooby meeting:_  
  
  
  
Willow: Blah, blah, blah, blah… etc  
  
  
  
  
Willow: Ooooh, more blah on this page.  
Buffy: We can't do anything about it now. How about finishing off?  
  
  
  
  
Xander: (snaps awake) Did I miss anything?  
  
  
  
  
Buffy: Other than blah, nothing much.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Will, I need your help with something. Can you come to my house?  
Willow: Sure.  
Buffy: What are you guys talking about?  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Nothing.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: If at first you don't succeed, precious stake, try, try again.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: Good bye slaughter. Good bye mayhem. Good bye kinky Hawaiian shirts.  
  
  
  
  
*pose*  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Spike!  
Spike: Sodding luck!  
  
  
  
  
Xander: You jerk!  
Willow: What on earth are you wearing?  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Dress code.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Last time I make a deal with ex-vengeance demons.   
Willow: What's going on?  
  
  
  
  
Xander: How could you do this to me, Spike? We might share everything, but that desk had been in my family for six years!  
  
  
  
  
Willow: (smacks Xander) You two are together?  
  
  
  
  
Spike: I'd be ashamed to admit it, but I'm killing myself in a few.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Would you convince this idiot that I'm a rare catch?  
Willow: Spike, Spike, Spike…  
  
  
  
  
Willow: Xander is a good kisser. He's a good friend. He knows all the good pizza places.   
Spike: He's a virgin.  
Willow: So, uh, that means that you'll be the one to… break him in.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: (at awe) Ah… I will be where no man has ever been before.   
  
  
  
  
Willow: Uh, sure.  
Xander: C'mon, let's sneak out a few delicious human blood bags from the hospital.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: And after that we're sexing it up.  
Spike: How about we put that 'good kisser' bit to test first?  
  
  
  
  
*smoochies*  
Willow: Uh, guys, do you wanna do this hospital trip some other time?  
  
  
  



	3. Episode Three

  
  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Now that Willow is gone and you're wearing your sacred shirt, which is ridiculous to blackmail sex for, seeing as you'll be taking it off now–shall we get to the fucking?   
  
  
  
  
Xander: I've got some sex toys around here somewhere.  
Spike: Bugger, the ceiling soiled my shirt!   
  
  
  
  
Spike: I'm not getting buggered until the pipe is fixed. And clean up this mess, will you? It's like a rat hole.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: Easy there, Monica. I've seen your crypt.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: My crypt doesn't smell, and I ain't worried that something alive will bite my ankle off.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: But it'll take time to fix this thing, and I'm about to tear a hole in my tent.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: I don't have a tent.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: I'll do a better job fixing it if I can focus.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: Fine, I'll hide the chair. It might help getting it up.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: I'll go get some penis pumps.  
  
  
  
  
  
 _The next day at Giles' place:_  
  
  
  
Anya: So, how's the sex?  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Thank you, Anya!  
  
  
  
  
Anya: Now that you made sure you signed for a lifetime spectacular gay sex, I think it's time to out yourselves to the others.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: Right. In case we wanted to do it during research, we could just say so instead of making some lame ass excuses.  
Anya: Oh, so it's okay to talk about sex in front of your friends when you're dating Spike, but not _me_.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Spike!  
  
  
  
  
*gulp*  
  
  
  
  
Xander: So, I was thinking maybe we should tell the rest of the gang. You know, about us.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Hmmm? Not now.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Why? Wasn't it good?   
  
  
  
  
Spike: Well, the first time was iffy, but the other three were adequate.   
Xander: Don't mock me. This is serious!  
Spike: I'll tell them myself, and don't you dare tell them first, 'cause I'll do it. Got it? Just gonna wait for the right moment.  
  
  
  
  
  
 _Ten days passed_  
  
  
  
Giles: Are you certain there's a demon in these whereabouts?   
  
  
  
  
Xander: Trust me. It was huge and slippery and goo-y and all things bad.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Hey, here's Spike!  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Hey, look at that. (to himself) Bugger.   
  
  
  
  
Giles: Have you seen a demon around here, Spike?  
  
  
  
  
Spike: You mean a subtle bloke with bad clothes and kind of a sad poof? *looking pointedly at Xander*  
  
  
  
*Xander stares evenly*  
Giles: Uh... no.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: I haven't seen any demons.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Nice outfit, Rupert.  
  
  
  
  
Giles: *flustered* Oh, thank you. It was on sale.  
Xander: Sure, you like _his_ clothes.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: Patience is a virtue. And so is abstinence.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: I've been virtuous for nineteen years.   
Spike: You'll be for twice as much if you push the matter.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Silly sod.  
  
  
  
  
Giles: I understand nothing.  
Xander: I think I do.   
  



	4. Episode Four

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Yeah, tying me to a chair, that'll show me.  
Xander: You hate this chair. You said it gives you nightmares.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: But the ropes give me jolts.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: No sex.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: But we've already started foreplay! (strains against the bonds)  
  
  
  
  
Xander: I'm _not_ talking to you!  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Yeah, like that'll ever happen.   
  
  
  
  
*Fifteen minutes of silence*  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Fine. I'll tell your gaggle of do gooders that I'm slipping you the snake.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: You'll still be stuck in the chair.  
Spike: C'mon! How about something to hold me for the night? I'd even take the sight of that floppy arse of yours.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: I'm not taking off my boxers. It's cold.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: _This_ is all you're getting.  
  
  
  
  
*happy thoughts*  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Are we done yet?  
Spike: A little to the left. Wait. No. A little to the right.   
Xander: You're not gonna make me shake my butt for you.   
Spike: (gasps) All I'm trying to do is get a good glance at that sexy derriere.   
Xander: Oooh French.  
  
  
  
  
  
 _Morning_  
  
  
  
Xander: The jerk tricked me.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: I wasn't the one with BD&SM fetish.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: I feel violated.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Get bent.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Not twice in one day, buster! And you better tell my friends, you manipulator of virgins.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Course.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: We're gathered here to hear out pathetic Xander Harris who needs conformation that his bloody flower was passionately plucked by lascivious moi.  
Xander: (moans) Again with the French.  
Spike: I want it on the record that I was roped into doing this. Literally.   
  
  
  
  
Anya: Why? We all know.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Tara doesn't.  
  
  
  
  
Willow: I already told her.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: When are Buffy and Giles getting here?  
  
  
  
  
Spike: I knew I forgot something.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Shame.  
  
  
  
  
*walks away*  
  
  
  
  
*sad sigh*  
  
  
  
  
Anya: I think your paramour is scared that he's gonna get something pointy. The wooden kind. Giles and Buffy tend to be protective. Because you’re so weak. You know, because you lack...  
Xander: Thank you, Anya. That was very supportive.   
Anya: (grins) Thanks.  
*sigh*  
  



	5. Episode Five

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Buffy: They kidnapped Riley? But, he's tall.   
  
  
  
  
Willow: 'Tall' is the key word. Those are Minnie demons.   
Giles: Oh. I've read about them. There's no definite study. But supposedly their slaves are used to obtain the unreachable items.  
  
  
  
  
Buffy: Is that fancy watcher talk for they're too short to reach the high shelf? That's stupid.   
  
  
  
  
Willow: Well, Buffy, you can't judge. You of all people…  
*Buffy glares*  
Willow: Yeah, what were they _thinking_?  
*door opens*  
Spike: Sexy is here!   
  
  
  
  
Spike: Don't mind me. Came to borrow gangly there.   
  
  
  
  
Buffy: What for?  
Spike: Are _you_ gangly?  
  
  
  
  
Spike: (looks at Xander) Coming to unplug some pipes?  
  
  
  
  
Xander: No.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Got a nice Twinkie, all hard and tasty.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Thanks, but I'm in the mood for a couple of Ding-Dongs, which you _don't_ have.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: Fine. I'll finish off that Twinkie. It's first rate, as you well know. (storms out)  
  
  
  
  
Buffy: Is it just me or the idea of chocolate suddenly became repulsive?  
  
  
  
  
  
 _Next night_  
  
  
  
Anya: Hold it right there, mister.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Sorry, luv. I'm taken.   
  
  
  
  
*angry stare*  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Why the long face? Not all of us are dandy and pink flowers. (looks pointedly at her blouse)   
  
  
  
  
Anya: The nerve. You gave me this blouse as a landlord present.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: It's bribery. Not to kick me on the street.   
  
  
  
  
Anya: I won't have you ruin this. Do you know how hard it was to find Xander a match? 'Cause of you, I'm afraid to show my face in the matchmaking demon community. It's why I refused to help Buffy rescue her exceptionally tall boyfriend.   
Spike: What's up with Giant Farmer?   
Anya: Got snatched. Everybody went on rescue mission, but I refrained. Couldn't have Judith mocking me, she's known for her midget matchmaking skills.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Wait, Xander went to the Minnie cave house? The twit, he ain't short!  
Anya: You know, vampire faces are so eighties.   
  
  
  
  
Anya: And the pout makes it worse.   
  
  
  
  
Anya: See? That's what happens when you wear your vamp face for too long, your face is stuck with the funny look.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
_Back up team_  
  
  
  
Xander: Go fish!  
Willow: We're playing poker.  
Xander: Oh.   
Giles: Buffy is rather late, isn't she?  
  
  
  
  
Demon: Grrr  
  
  
  
  
Spike: No, you don't!  
  
  
  
  
Xander: What are you doing here?  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Ding dongs, Twinkies, and blood don't mesh, luv. Shouldn't have fun without me.   
  
  
  
  
Giles: Ding dongs? Twinkies? Blood?   
  
  
  
  
*takes off his glasses*  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Guns? Ropes? Penis pumps? Sex chairs? Hawaiian shirts? I'll keep you updated on future kinks.   
  
  
  
  
Giles: Spare me the daunting details, Spike.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: Took your sweet time.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Told you I needed the right moment, but you just _had_ to push it like the little girl you are.  
  
  
  
  
Buffy: Guys, I kicked their butts!  
  
  
  
  
Willow: Yay, Slayer action!  
Riley: More like Slayer debate. She convinced them she needed my tall frame more than they did.   
  
  
  
  
Spike: Okay, it's been seventy four hours and counting. No need to waste more time. Off with you, Xander. I've got the lollipop you want. And it's strawberry.   
  
  
  
  
Buffy: Hey, you're not gonna ruin lollipops for me, too!  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Stay far away from my lollipop!   
  
  
  
  
Buffy: Wait. You suck lollipops together?  
  
  
  
  
Xander: And lick them, too. Don't make a big deal out of it.   
  
  
  
  
Buffy: No big deals made, I'm totally open-minded.   
  
  
  
  
Buffy: I am, right?  
Riley: Of course, honey.   
  
  
  
  
Giles: And once again, I remain to be the only spinster.  
  
  
  
  
  
 _First Date!!!_  
  
  
  
Spike: So, we're on a date.   
  
  
  
  
Xander: This is a date. We're out.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: And there are people here who are out.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Not like we're out.  
  
  
  
  
Spike: I reckon some are.  
  
  
  
  
Xander: Sex?  
  
  
  
  
Spike: Let's get out of here.   
  
  
  
**The End**


End file.
